The Retreat With No Rules

and no rules about no rules

Yesterday we had a wonderful retreat with the theme ‘Intuitive Mindful Eating’. I love everything about this approach - a complete U-turn on diet mentality, and infused with such wisdom and compassion. Thanks to Mint Nutrition for facilitating such a fantastic and valuable day.

As women, we have absorbed so many messages about how we should look, what we should believe and how we should act, that it’s actually very difficult to pick apart what we truly believe vs what we’ve taken on from cultural messaging. Body image and diet culture are about as insidious as it gets. So many shoulds.

As I’ve got older, and as the years of intentionally trying to separate my own beliefs from the atmosphere I’ve been soaked in increase, the more I realise how deep into our unconscious this runs.

Lately I’ve noticed a quiet voice inside me that says to me ‘you’re a fraud!’ Yeh, this is quite a strong word and you might be thinking it’s an inner critic part of me that’s trying to unseat me. But, being very familiar with imposter syndrome and my inner critic parts, this new voice feels on my side and it’s just using strong language to get my attention. It’s so easy to repeat stuff we’ve read or heard - it’s an automatic reflex in me, and a way to belong to mainstream culture…. but the voice inside eggs me on - don’t be a fraud… be yourself!

Earlier this month, I went on a 10-day retreat (with 28 close dharma friends, like you do) up on the Coromandel Peninsular. Our teacher was encouraging us to find our own way, off the map of how any meditation practise or retreat should be. It was pretty wild! What do you mean, there are no rules? No goals? In the early part of the retreat it felt like a dance of figuring stuff out - how much effort? How little effort? Am I doing this right? Wait what, you seriously mean I can’t get this wrong??? How liberating! Six days into the retreat I had a deeper insight - even ‘no rules’ has the potential to become a rule. Anarchists strive to belong to the anarchist culture… the rigidity of committing to being a full time hedonist… Hey! Why not follow some rules for a while?! Now we’re just a half breath away from true freedom.

This whole topic relates integrally with my cooking. For one thing, we are bombarded with messages about the fabulous meals other women are (supposedly) creating, the nutrition boxes that are being ticked at every meal. We all know the socially acceptable eating habits.

There are still times when I follow recipes to a T, ignoring internal cues that suggest other options. Sometimes I cook and serve food, sticking rigidly to a plan, when my heart wants to shake things up last minute. All of this is ok - it’s not wrong to follow recipes with precision - but it also feels nice to break some rules when the impulse (and creativity) strikes. When I think back on my 15 year cooking career I can see how this has been a divine set up; follow the rules, master the rules, then break the rules as often and as joyfully as I feel called. Or not, wink wink.

On our most recent cooking retreat, we had lots of fun creating a St Moritz themed lunch for 10. Some recipes required a little concentration and effort, the apple strudel for example, and others were more freestyle. We made a roast savoy cabbage dish, with rosemary hazelnuts and fennel seeds, which turned out to be the unexpected star! Well, not totally unexpected to me, but I was surprised to hear every guest saying how much they loved it too. There is something about the brassica family of veggies - cabbage, kale, broccoli - that loves some deep roasting or chargrilling. Low effort, simple pleasures.

The basic recipe: after taking out the core, the cabbage was shredded (along with some chard) and put on a roasting tray. Then we toasted some coriander seeds and fennel seeds in a dry pan, gave them a bash in a mortar, and added them to the cabbage along with some chopped rosemary, salt, pepper and olive oil and gave it a good massage. Then into a hot oven for about 20-25 mins. We tossed through some toasted hazelnuts and a good squeeze of lemon juice before serving piping hot, along side our Milanese risotto, polenta, caponata, rocket pesto & citrus avocado salad. The full recipe has been added to my recipe collection.

Upcoming cooking retreats at Te Whenua Retreat: we have a one-day retreat on Sunday June 29th, which I need to decide a theme for very soon. Any requests? We also have one space available on a 3-night all-inclusive cooking retreat from 8-11th July. Details on our website!

I am currently reading No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz. It’s an Internal Family Systems book, a coaching / therapeutic model which I find very compatible with my spiritual practises, and very helpful and practical. On the very first page is this gorgeous quote by Thomas Merton. It resonates so deeply, and has given me much to ponder on this theme of ‘no rules’. Who might we be if we dared to be ourselves?

Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed… I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.

Hope everyone is doing well,

Thanks for reading, and much love!

Jenny